Not Just a Mom...

First, let me apologize to the few followers I have. I have been seriously neglecting my blog. I not only have my personal blog, but also my entries for Philly Moms Blog. When you get depressed (like I have been) for whatever reason, things just don't flow like they should when it comes to blogging and writing. Things however, are starting to look up. Rob has found a position with a temp to hire company doing commercial painting, so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

This entry is taking a lot of guts for me to write. Lately these days I have been struggling with the fact that being a mom isn't the only main thing in my life. I also struggle daily with Diabetes and addiction.

My struggle with Diabetes started in July of 2006. I started out on just Metformin, a pill. In October of 2007, I became pregnant with my daughter, Lily. I didn't have insurance at first so my first trimester while i was waiting to get on Medicaid I was just watching my diet and staying on Metformin. As soon as I saw the DR and got blood work i was immediately started on insulin due the extreme highs of my sugars.

My Diabetes has been up and down since then. I am now on insulin and pills. I hate that it rules my life. The worst feeling is being sooooo hungry and craving meat and carbs , but your blood sugar is over 300. It's impossible to satisfy any cravings or hunger at that point. So, that makes you miserable, and so does the high blood sugar.

I have to test several times a day and constantly be aware of what is going on with my food and sugars. Its no fun. When my blood sugar gets high I feel awful. I really do. It takes away from having fun with my kids and being active and energetic, like every mom should be. It makes me feel guilty.

The other demon I struggle with is addiction. It's something I rarely talk about. If you are reading this you probably had no idea. I used to be addicted to pain pills. Well, i still am but I am in recovery now. You know what they say, once an addict always an addict. That's why we are called recovering addicts. I started on Suboxone last May when I got to a point in my life when I couldn't take it anymore.

I hid it well for years. Probably hid my addiction for about 5 years. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to make anymore excuses. I didn't want to lie. I wanted to wake up and feel normal with out shoving 6 Percoset down my throat as soon as I opened my eyes.

I finally called a Suboxone doctor in May of 2009. It not only changed my life, it saved my life. If I had never had the guts to pick up the phone that day and call, I really don't know if i would be here. So much of the pain I have dealt with in my life I have chased away with pain pills, and it was getting to the point where i was taking so many to chase that pain away I could have killed myself.

So, those are two things I deal with on a daily basis, in addition to being a mom of three and a wife. Some days lately it all seems like too much. But, I know I am strong. I know I can do this. I know I can be better. I have three kids counting on me to do so. I know God won't give me more than I can handle.

It's Ok to Be Crunchy But Not ok To Be Silky?

Apparently it's OK to be crunchy. Because being crunchy means you care about the earth. You do your research on vaccines and modern medicine. You do your research on CIO, and co-sleeping.

But, if you are silky and proud of it you are labeling yourself and dividing yourself from other moms. You haven't researched vaccinations if you give them to your child. You are automatically just blindly letting Dr's do whatever they want to your child.

Well, wait a gosh darn minute! Guess what??? I went to school to be a medical assistant. I took classes on Pharmacology and Diseases. Classes on Micro-Biology and Anatomy. I have worked in the field. Tell me again I have not done research, I dare you.

I have done enough research to know that co-sleeping is dangerous and can cause death and SID. But, I have also co-slept, the correct way, and now I CIO with my daughter. I have researched the Ferber method and researched CIO. I don't just stick my daughter in her crib and let her scream for hours.

Moms who parent alike automatically gather together. They feel most comfortable with other moms who agree on their parenting styles and choices. It's not labeling and being cliquey it's being human. And it's life. Let's just accept each other for who we are and how we parent. At this stage of the game you aren't going to change anyone's mind. Let it be, let it be. Let it be, oh, let it be......

Feeling Lost

I have to say that being stressed out probably burns more calories than chasing after my daughter on the playground. I know this because I am exhausted. I am mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. I want one week to be stress free. I want one week where I don't have to worry about money, bills, food, medication, whatever. I almost typed children, but then I realized in an instant that I love worrying about my children. Even though they drive me absolutely bonkers they get me through my most stressful times.

I have a tough week ahead of me. We are getting down to the wire with my husbands unemployment. His UC runs out in three weeks. I got accepted for mine but it's not a lot. Not enough for a family of five to live off of. Time for Rob to buckle down and find something, anything. I'm ready to get out there and find something. My resumes are going out and I am constantly searching but not even a phone call is being received. Rob has been working part time but it's not steady work and it doesn't have benefits.

This blog post is more therapeutic for me than entertaining for you, my readers. To you all, I am so sorry for that. Nothing witty to write this week. No humor to share with you. No rants about crazy militant crunchies. No making fun of people who refuse to use shampoo....

I feel that once I get through one day this week I will be peeling a layer off. When I get to Friday and have peeled off five layers of stress and fatigue, I am hoping to feel relived and renewed. I will spend a lot of time this week praying and meditating, asking god for strength. I will still wake up each day with a smile for my children and the strength to push through even though I feel like I want to kneel down, or collapse and sob. just release it and let everything out. But, I can not. I am Mom, I am wife, I am every one's support.

Hope you all have a great week. I'll meet you back here in a few days with something uplifting, witty, and or interesting. I promise!

Part-time Single Mom

My husband has been doing some part time work, which is excellent! The only draw back? He travels to do it and is gone for three (to probably even fours days this time) at a time. Those three days I spend home alone with the kids. So technically no, I'm not single....just feel like it for those days due to parenting by myself.

Lily's behavior stays the same when dad isn't home. If anything, she is easier because she knows she can get her way with dad so she isn't as whiny when he is away. But, the BOYS!!! Oh the boys.... UGH! Every single time my husband goes away we all have the talk about how they are to act when he is not home. When dad is away, the boys think it is time to play. And I don't mean my boys aren't allowed to play....they just run around like banshees! Constantly on each other, and screaming, and running, and wrestling. Robert's nine year old attitude comes to a head. Tyler becomes extremely clingy and whiny. He wants me to do everything for him. He wants me to decide what he should eat, what he should wear, what he should watch...

This morning I sent them out to the bus stop five minutes early, in the pouring rain. I had enough. It was only 8 am and I had already been yelling at them to leave each other alone. Stop running in the house. Stop throwing things. Stop hitting each other. Stop with the whining. Stop with the attitude!

I'm not an easy mom. I don't let everything go. So I wonder why they act up like this? I know they don't act this way for other people. They behave excellent in school. So, I guess I'm doing something right if they only act this way for me....
Aren't I?

Clearing something up

Im very pro breast feeding. I was upset last night as you can tell because I went to a blog that had thousands of follower and the woman was literally a nut case. I love breast feeding it is wonderful and I am very jealous that I couldn't do it longer. It was making me miserable and my daughter miserable. With Tyler I was on medication and with Robert well same as Lily. It has just always been hard for me. That is all.

I Don't Get It

There are lots of things I don't get. The number one thing is why there are crazy ass women out there who have thousands of followers on their blog. I guess it's all about who you know. just like everything in this world.

Seriously, I'm trying on this blog, I really am. But I guess the whacked out home birthing, Nazi breastfeeding, I am holier than thou women just attract more blog readers. Hey, you wanna home birth, whatever, your choice. My good friend and I can give 100 reasons not to. The biggest one your baby's life. And hey, you wanna think you are better than us cause you breast fed your child till he was 6? Fine, whatever. But don't come crying to me when your kindergartner is talking about how tasty breast milk is at the lunch table. What ever happened to mainstream being popular, seriously?????

So, I have been neglectful!

I have been neglecting my blog. Things have been crazy around here and my best ideas are put towards my submissions to Philly Moms Blog. After all I am waiting for someone to notice me and my writings so you can understand that I am sure.

Today Tyler finally got to go on a play date with Adriana, his best friend from school. I was nervous for him and me... I had never met her mom. All turned out well, Adriana is such a sweetheart and her mom is too. We had a great time and after an hour and a half of the kids running around we had two very tired kids on our hands. Well, make that four. She brought her younger son and I brought Lily. I know Lily is pooped when she is just standing hanging on the swing and not running in circles. She never stands still. We wore those kids out. By the end Adriana and Tyler were asking to lay in the shade and rest! LOL

Right now at home we are on the great cell phone hunt. Last time I saw my cell phone was Thursday night, or maybe Wednesday night. I don't know my days are blending. Lily grabbed it off the table and I have not seen it since. We are assuming the battery is dead by now because we text it and can not hear it. We tore the house apart. Everywhere you or a toddler could possibly think of, we have looked. I'm sure one of these days Lily will find it and bring it to me. I'm hoping it happens sooner rather than later. I can not afford a new cell phone!

The family is LOVING this warm weather. We ventured to Rita's today for some free water ice for the first day of spring. Ha ha! The lines where insane! The parking lot was mobbed! you gotta be crazy to stand in that line with 3 kids, one being a hungry toddler! We went across the street and got ice cream instead! Happy spring everyone!