Not Just a Mom...

First, let me apologize to the few followers I have. I have been seriously neglecting my blog. I not only have my personal blog, but also my entries for Philly Moms Blog. When you get depressed (like I have been) for whatever reason, things just don't flow like they should when it comes to blogging and writing. Things however, are starting to look up. Rob has found a position with a temp to hire company doing commercial painting, so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

This entry is taking a lot of guts for me to write. Lately these days I have been struggling with the fact that being a mom isn't the only main thing in my life. I also struggle daily with Diabetes and addiction.

My struggle with Diabetes started in July of 2006. I started out on just Metformin, a pill. In October of 2007, I became pregnant with my daughter, Lily. I didn't have insurance at first so my first trimester while i was waiting to get on Medicaid I was just watching my diet and staying on Metformin. As soon as I saw the DR and got blood work i was immediately started on insulin due the extreme highs of my sugars.

My Diabetes has been up and down since then. I am now on insulin and pills. I hate that it rules my life. The worst feeling is being sooooo hungry and craving meat and carbs , but your blood sugar is over 300. It's impossible to satisfy any cravings or hunger at that point. So, that makes you miserable, and so does the high blood sugar.

I have to test several times a day and constantly be aware of what is going on with my food and sugars. Its no fun. When my blood sugar gets high I feel awful. I really do. It takes away from having fun with my kids and being active and energetic, like every mom should be. It makes me feel guilty.

The other demon I struggle with is addiction. It's something I rarely talk about. If you are reading this you probably had no idea. I used to be addicted to pain pills. Well, i still am but I am in recovery now. You know what they say, once an addict always an addict. That's why we are called recovering addicts. I started on Suboxone last May when I got to a point in my life when I couldn't take it anymore.

I hid it well for years. Probably hid my addiction for about 5 years. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to make anymore excuses. I didn't want to lie. I wanted to wake up and feel normal with out shoving 6 Percoset down my throat as soon as I opened my eyes.

I finally called a Suboxone doctor in May of 2009. It not only changed my life, it saved my life. If I had never had the guts to pick up the phone that day and call, I really don't know if i would be here. So much of the pain I have dealt with in my life I have chased away with pain pills, and it was getting to the point where i was taking so many to chase that pain away I could have killed myself.

So, those are two things I deal with on a daily basis, in addition to being a mom of three and a wife. Some days lately it all seems like too much. But, I know I am strong. I know I can do this. I know I can be better. I have three kids counting on me to do so. I know God won't give me more than I can handle.